Anuradha Blog

Okay, so that’s everything. Let me try to give one more conclusion. Today I learned a lot from many things. It was one of those days when a person has the chance to glimpse at least a fragment of the truth about who God is, who a person can become and who they are now, where they are heading, why this life is about love, what is really happening in our minds, what is happening inside each of us, what is truly very important.

Why did Guruji decide to remind us every day of what is most important in this world? Why do we constantly forget? Why does every day feel like it’s the first time, again and again?”50 times and still like the first time”.

It is a demanding path, a path where the soul has the chance to free itself from the cycle of birth and death. It is such a serious, such an important theme that it must also be lightened on another level. To sing, to dance, to rejoice, to enjoy every present moment, yet to remain in prayer and in thoughts of God. How important, how simple, how plain, yet so precious and so essential.

And that is something we really need every day, because our soul longs only for freedom, for full service, for surrender to God. There is no textbook, no knowledge in this world that could equal the wisdom of a single day lived as the grace of a Satguru, when he lets you experience what you are meant to realize. When he lets you experience your inner divinity, when he lets you experience how very important it is to surrender.

And despite everything, even though I know all this, that I know it theoretically, that I have learned it, that I have the experience, that I have the knowledge, that I have been flooded with information, experiences, and wisdom from all sides for years, that I voluntarily walk this path and I love it, yet when the turning point comes, when that śaraṇāgati is supposed to happen, I say no. And I don’t just say no, I actually say “Don’t ask me for this anymore. I won’t surrender it, why should I do it?”

And that ahamkāra, those incredible saṁskāras, that rooted rebelliousness, that ego that doesn’t want to take that final step of śaraṇāgati, it rebels greatly. It’s like fire. I can stay in that fire for hours, hours in pain, in ignorance, in expectation, in resentment that things are not the way I want them to be around me. I want to get from life what I expect I should have.

And what happens in the meantime? I lose the ability to see what I am actually receiving, what I have. I don’t see what incredible tools I have. What is happening to me, what tremendous blessing I already possess. I see lovers on the internet, not that I seek them out, but they pop up on Instagram, and I envy them their romantic relationship, even though I’ve had it several times too. And it led nowhere and I know it. And yet I envy them, because where do I see myself? Alone in my room.

But what is in my room? I have the Bhagavad Gita in my room, I have a picture of Guruji, I have the padukas, I have the murtis. God is fully present here with me. I have blessed items from a realized master. I have all the tools with which to transform myself. I have all the tools to do the most beautiful thing I can in life: to love, to be humble, to help myself and others, if I manage to take this step. But do I see it in that moment? No. I don’t see it. And it goes round and round.

And I give thanks for today, because today I see it. Today I understand it and today I am happy that I am what I am, and that I can be on this path. I am so grateful to Guru that he holds me on this path, that I am really who I am, that he manages to help me accept myself as I am right now. He doesn’t get angry with me and unconditionally guides me further, he is constantly here for me. Whatever happens.

And those words that are not kind and are directed at him from me, when I am angry, when I don’t understand, when I am in darkness and ignorance, when I cry out for help and I am in pain, they hurt me terribly afterward. But in the end, I believe I can forgive myself, and that he is not angry with me. I thank him deeply for being able to encourage me like that and show me that love and that true path.

I know I cannot do this on my own. But I have the will to want to change, step by step to be a better person and give more space to my soul, to the divinity in my life, and especially to Guru. So that all of this comes first and only then me.

And to manage those difficult things, early rising, discipline and so on. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. I can be joyful in all of this. That is my most heartfelt conviction, because all glory belongs to the Satguru, who holds us in his arms and by the hand.

Thank you.

Anuradha dasi ❤️🍀🌞